Santa.

During this Christmas season, I've come to realize that men have only 4 stages of life.

1st Stage: You believe in Santa.

2nd Stage: You don't believe in Santa.

3rd Stage: You are Santa.

4th Stage: You look like Santa.

That "Feeling" ...

Ever feel like you just don't fit in at all ... anywhere??

Oh, on the outside I sure can fake it well.

But on the inside ... yeah, that's kinda where I'm at right now.

I'm not really sure how to make this better.

My throbbing second molar!! I just might yank this sucker out tonight if it doesn't get any better!!

I. Need. House.

Reason #63 that I really need to quit this "duplex living": You become close, really close, to your neighbors ... whether you want to or not.

A couple of weeks ago, my neighbor announced to me she was pregnant. At this point, I completely deserved the Oscar because I totally faked my surprise. Why the fake?? Because due to the thin walls separating my place from hers, I've actually been her unseen, unheard companion during all of this.

I've heard everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, during this pregnancy so far. The arguments about finances, the morning sickness (and by the way, why DO they call it that when the Walrus Call actually lasts all day long???), and yes ... even the conception ... and I thought late-night Cinemax was bad (at that point, I've NEVER appreciated more the fact that my TV's volume goes all the way up to 100!!)

I need to move. The line of duplex living must be drawn somewhere. I also feel like I should ask ... no, DEMAND ... they name the child after me. After all I've been through with them, I feel as though I deserve it.

16 Months.

16 months ... it's been 16 months since I've last placed fingers on keyboard in this area of cyberspace. So as I sit here at 2:06 a.m. with the strange sound of my furnace in the background (this reminds me ... the last time I changed the filter on this thing was December 2009. I wonder if it's time ...). I figured this is as good a time as any for (cue dramatic music) ... REFLECTION!!

The dictionary app on my Mac says that reflection is:

a serious thought or consideration: he doesn't get much time for reflection.

• an idea about something, esp. one that is written down or expressed: reflections on human destiny and art.

So as I battle my insomnia YET AGAIN sitting in my oh-so green and oh-so-not-so-comfortable computer chair, I have to ... no, I NEED to ... take a look back at where I've gone with my life during this time away because I do not consider myself the same person that I was 16 months ago.

To make this a quasi-seamless transition, I'll start by looking back at the last entry I made in my blog. It was written on Thursday, July 29, 2010 and was titled "Be Still, and Know That I Am God." The topic was about how I try to take control of every little thing in my life ... that I don't allow God to have complete control ... that I don't trust Him with everything. So I have to ask myself ... have I gotten better at this?? As much as I would like to have a sunshiny and perfect little answer to this, I'm afraid I have to be truthful. And truthfully ... I don't think I have. But why?? Is it a need to feel important to others? Maybe a little. Is it a need to have an admittedly selfish little "pat on the back" every so often because of something I've accomplished? Perhaps. Or is it the fact that more often than I would care to admit, there's still that part of me that feels like a nervous, unsure 13-year-old desperately trying to fit in with his peers, but ends up kicking himself over something stupid or "uncool" that he blurted out. BINGO!! Wow, I'm a bigger "work in progress" than I ever imagined. Maybe I am the same person that I was 16 months ago. Haha!!

I'm so embarrassed and ashamed to say that I haven't given God control yet. I know better than this. I mean, c'mon, it's not like I'm a new Christian here. I often joke that on September 28, 19(cough cough), I was born on the front pew of Glad Tidings Church. Through all my "single-digit" years ... then my teenage years ... then into my 20s and 30s ... I've seen God perform things that I would call absolute miracles. Times around the altar late on a Sunday evening, or standing on a sawdust floor in an outdoor tabernacle at a youth camp ... those are the things that pop into my head when I think about my upbringing in church. I've seen Him do miracles for others. And that's just it ... it's always been for others. I've never let Him have control of my life so He can perhaps perform one for me. Not necessarily a miracle on the magnitude of feeding the 5,000, turning the water into wine, or making Taco Bell Combo Meal #4 cholesterol-free. I'm referring to something more like a "personal miracle".

We all have our addictions, demons, whatnot ... the things that affect us on a deep -- almost subconscious -- level. Personally, I don't understand the addiction to cigarettes (have never even tried one), alcohol (beer smells and tastes like a sewer), or gambling (I am "slot machine poison"). This isn't confession time for iRye (that will come in Blog #4 or #200), but trust me ... we've all got our secrets and I may have just one or two (or eight) more than the next person. Mystery can be a wee bit intriguing sometimes ... sometimes. Sometimes not.

In addition to me being a work in progress, it looks like this particular entry is also going to be a work in progress, because I'm happy to report that ... I am now sleepy. Looks like typing about myself did the trick. Hopefully, you haven't had the same effect while reading this. Haha!!

... to be continued ... ... soon.

Be Still, and Know That I Am God.

When your heart is in turmoil ...

"BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD."

When situations with friends are not what they should be ...

"BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD."

When your work seems to be overwhelming ...

"BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD."

You would think I'd know this by now. I've been born and raised in church. And yet, here I am, trying to take control of everything ... every little thing ... in my life. Situations have arisen recently that I have no control over. When this happens, the verse "BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD" always drifts into my mind -- never as a direct order, but more like a gentle whisper, and yet do I always listen? No. Why is that?? Why is it that I think I have the answer to everything, when in reality ... I have nothing.

To this day, I can honestly say that I still haven't trusted God with everything. I'm dealing with stuff at this point in my life that I never, ever thought I would be dealing with. There's things that have been a certain way for such a long time, that I'm not willing to let them change; not willing to let go. But if I did, I know it would be for my own good. That's a shame because I'm cheating myself out of a deeper walk with Him. And you know, it should be simple. He is my Father. He loves me. I am His child. He always ... always ... has my best interest at heart. He loves me. He will NEVER lead me down the wrong path. He loves me.

I know that I'm not the only one who has issues concerning this. So, I'm asking this question ... Why do we do this?? As children of God, why do we sometimes have problems trusting Him?? Psalms 46:10 - "BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD" is my favorite scripture in the Bible. It speaks to me the most. Why can't we just sit back, take a deep breath, and know that everything is in control ... not in our control, but in HIS control.

"BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD".