Haiti Orphanage ...

I found out that last Friday, NBC Nightly News did a feature on my cousin's orphanage in Haiti. The news ended at 6:00 p.m. I got home that night at 6:15 p.m. Didn't get to see a thing ............... Crud.

How to clean a toilet ...

1. Put both lids of the toilet up.

2. Add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

3. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

5. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet. The cat is actually enjoying this.

6. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash" and "rinse".

7. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

8. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

9. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

10. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

Some people like eagles, some like robins, some like doves ... but these are my favorite Birds!!

"Ping"..."Crap!!"

Ok, so last night, I was getting ready to leave work and I went into the bathroom. After I washed my hands (always an important thing to do that, surprisingly, many people on my floor conveniently forget, but that's another blog for another time), I'm cleaning my glasses when all of a sudden I hear a "ping" sound. The next sound I hear is me saying "Oh, crap!!!" (which is kind of redundant considering where I was) ... I had just broken my glasses. The frames separated in the middle and the lens fell out onto the counter.

After several minutes of stressing and talking to myself (yes, I talk to myself in the bathroom. Admit it ... you do, too. And even if you don't, please say you do anyway so I won't feel weird), I had resigned myself to the fact that I was doomed for a weekend of wearing my spare glasses from the 80's (those breathtakingly debonair retro-chic aviator-style Barnum and Bailey specs that take up half my face, that are also 4 prescription levels too low ... now there's a driving challenge!!)

But then suddenly I remembered there was that place in Fairview Heights that fixes glasses called something like "Frame Fixers" or "Frame Savers" or something like that ... who cares what it's called ... it was my answer!!!

I then left work a bit early because there's nothing like having 20/30 vision in one eye (the one with the lens) and 20/4,517 in your other eye (the one without the lens). Can't see, can't work, gotta go, bye!! And off I went to my destination ... my brand spankin' new favorite place in the entire world (at the time) ... "Frame Savers" (it might as well be called "Ryan's Refuge Which Just Happens To Be Near White Castle" ... mmmmmmmm, dinner).

I now am faced with a choice ... a choice that will not only affect my safety, but the safety of every fellow driver, pedestrian, stray dog, homeless person, and errant squirrel ... basically, the entire population of downtown St. Louis ... for on this day, January 29th, 2010, Ryan Jones was forced to drive ONE-EYED THROUGH DOWNTOWN ST. LOUIS!!!! Have you ever done this?? I don't suggest it. For once in my life, I wanted to have a police escort across state lines, but there was nary a cop in sight.

By yelling "Get outta the way!!" to three people walking downtown, remaining in the right-hand lane the entire trip, keeping a 3/4-mile distance between all cars on the highway, and waving back at people who were waving at me (I think they were waving with their index finger. I couldn't tell. Is that a "St. Louis thing??" Remember ... I can't see!!), I finally made it to my destination ... Frame Savers. I could tell exactly where it was because upon driving past Chuck Wagon, the clouds suddenly parted, a ray of sunshine beamed right down onto the building, and I heard music!!!! (It was either angels, or all the pedestrians singing, in unison, the Hallelujah Chorus once I drove onto the parking lot!!!) It didn't matter ... I arrived and not one person had to see the underside of my car because of it!! And for that, I was eternally grateful.

I entered Frame Savers with the same steady wink I had for the past 45 minutes. The angel who worked at Frame Savers greeted me with a smile (I think), and then she proceeded to perform the most important emergency surgery I've ever had to have on January 29, 2010. While the Angel Who Shall Be Named Bambi From This Point On In The Story only charged me $42.00 for the opportunity to see again and to spare the life of any number of drivers in Fairview Heights, truth be told ... I would've paid any amount she wanted. (But I didn't tell her that because my momma didn't raise no dummy!!)

So, in closing, if you were on the road anywhere between downtown St. Louis, up Highway 40, down Highway 159 to Lincoln Trail between 4:45 p.m. and 5:30 p.m. yesterday, say an extra "thank you" to the Lord for sparing your life ... and I would like to say a special, heartfelt "thank you" to Bambi the Frame-Saving Angel for allowing me to see the world a little clearer this morning.

I don't know her yet, but I love her ...

What I Believe ...

I Believe ...

That no matter how good a friend is

they're going to hurt you every once in a while

and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe ...

That you can do something in an instant

that will give you heartache for a lifetime.

I Believe ...

That just because two people argue

it doesn't mean they don't love each other.

And just because they don't argue

it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe ...

That we don't have to change friends

if we understand that friends change.

I Believe ...

That true friendship continues to grow

even over the longest distance.

The same goes for true love.

I Believe ...

That it's taking me a long time

to become the person I want to be.

I Believe ...

That you should always leave loved ones with loving words.

It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe ...

That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe ...

That we are responsible for what we do ...

no matter how we feel.

I Believe ...

That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe ...

That heroes are the people who do what has to be done

when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe ...

That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe ...

That my best friend and I can do anything, or nothing,

and have the best time.

I Believe ...

That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down

will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe ...

That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,

but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe ...

That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.

Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe ...

That no matter how badly your heart is broken,

the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe ...

That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,

but we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe ...

That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret.

It could change your life forever.

I Believe ...

Two people can look at the exact same thing

and see something totally different.

I Believe ...

That your life can be changed in a matter of hours

by people who don't even know you.

I Believe ...

That even when you think you have no more to give,

when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I Believe ...

That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe ...

That the people you care about most in life are taken from you way too soon.

I Believe ...

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything.

They just make the most of everything.