16 Months.

16 months ... it's been 16 months since I've last placed fingers on keyboard in this area of cyberspace. So as I sit here at 2:06 a.m. with the strange sound of my furnace in the background (this reminds me ... the last time I changed the filter on this thing was December 2009. I wonder if it's time ...). I figured this is as good a time as any for (cue dramatic music) ... REFLECTION!!

The dictionary app on my Mac says that reflection is:

a serious thought or consideration: he doesn't get much time for reflection.

• an idea about something, esp. one that is written down or expressed: reflections on human destiny and art.

So as I battle my insomnia YET AGAIN sitting in my oh-so green and oh-so-not-so-comfortable computer chair, I have to ... no, I NEED to ... take a look back at where I've gone with my life during this time away because I do not consider myself the same person that I was 16 months ago.

To make this a quasi-seamless transition, I'll start by looking back at the last entry I made in my blog. It was written on Thursday, July 29, 2010 and was titled "Be Still, and Know That I Am God." The topic was about how I try to take control of every little thing in my life ... that I don't allow God to have complete control ... that I don't trust Him with everything. So I have to ask myself ... have I gotten better at this?? As much as I would like to have a sunshiny and perfect little answer to this, I'm afraid I have to be truthful. And truthfully ... I don't think I have. But why?? Is it a need to feel important to others? Maybe a little. Is it a need to have an admittedly selfish little "pat on the back" every so often because of something I've accomplished? Perhaps. Or is it the fact that more often than I would care to admit, there's still that part of me that feels like a nervous, unsure 13-year-old desperately trying to fit in with his peers, but ends up kicking himself over something stupid or "uncool" that he blurted out. BINGO!! Wow, I'm a bigger "work in progress" than I ever imagined. Maybe I am the same person that I was 16 months ago. Haha!!

I'm so embarrassed and ashamed to say that I haven't given God control yet. I know better than this. I mean, c'mon, it's not like I'm a new Christian here. I often joke that on September 28, 19(cough cough), I was born on the front pew of Glad Tidings Church. Through all my "single-digit" years ... then my teenage years ... then into my 20s and 30s ... I've seen God perform things that I would call absolute miracles. Times around the altar late on a Sunday evening, or standing on a sawdust floor in an outdoor tabernacle at a youth camp ... those are the things that pop into my head when I think about my upbringing in church. I've seen Him do miracles for others. And that's just it ... it's always been for others. I've never let Him have control of my life so He can perhaps perform one for me. Not necessarily a miracle on the magnitude of feeding the 5,000, turning the water into wine, or making Taco Bell Combo Meal #4 cholesterol-free. I'm referring to something more like a "personal miracle".

We all have our addictions, demons, whatnot ... the things that affect us on a deep -- almost subconscious -- level. Personally, I don't understand the addiction to cigarettes (have never even tried one), alcohol (beer smells and tastes like a sewer), or gambling (I am "slot machine poison"). This isn't confession time for iRye (that will come in Blog #4 or #200), but trust me ... we've all got our secrets and I may have just one or two (or eight) more than the next person. Mystery can be a wee bit intriguing sometimes ... sometimes. Sometimes not.

In addition to me being a work in progress, it looks like this particular entry is also going to be a work in progress, because I'm happy to report that ... I am now sleepy. Looks like typing about myself did the trick. Hopefully, you haven't had the same effect while reading this. Haha!!

... to be continued ... ... soon.