Santa.

During this Christmas season, I've come to realize that men have only 4 stages of life.

1st Stage: You believe in Santa.

2nd Stage: You don't believe in Santa.

3rd Stage: You are Santa.

4th Stage: You look like Santa.

That "Feeling" ...

Ever feel like you just don't fit in at all ... anywhere??

Oh, on the outside I sure can fake it well.

But on the inside ... yeah, that's kinda where I'm at right now.

I'm not really sure how to make this better.

My throbbing second molar!! I just might yank this sucker out tonight if it doesn't get any better!!

I. Need. House.

Reason #63 that I really need to quit this "duplex living": You become close, really close, to your neighbors ... whether you want to or not.

A couple of weeks ago, my neighbor announced to me she was pregnant. At this point, I completely deserved the Oscar because I totally faked my surprise. Why the fake?? Because due to the thin walls separating my place from hers, I've actually been her unseen, unheard companion during all of this.

I've heard everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, during this pregnancy so far. The arguments about finances, the morning sickness (and by the way, why DO they call it that when the Walrus Call actually lasts all day long???), and yes ... even the conception ... and I thought late-night Cinemax was bad (at that point, I've NEVER appreciated more the fact that my TV's volume goes all the way up to 100!!)

I need to move. The line of duplex living must be drawn somewhere. I also feel like I should ask ... no, DEMAND ... they name the child after me. After all I've been through with them, I feel as though I deserve it.

16 Months.

16 months ... it's been 16 months since I've last placed fingers on keyboard in this area of cyberspace. So as I sit here at 2:06 a.m. with the strange sound of my furnace in the background (this reminds me ... the last time I changed the filter on this thing was December 2009. I wonder if it's time ...). I figured this is as good a time as any for (cue dramatic music) ... REFLECTION!!

The dictionary app on my Mac says that reflection is:

a serious thought or consideration: he doesn't get much time for reflection.

• an idea about something, esp. one that is written down or expressed: reflections on human destiny and art.

So as I battle my insomnia YET AGAIN sitting in my oh-so green and oh-so-not-so-comfortable computer chair, I have to ... no, I NEED to ... take a look back at where I've gone with my life during this time away because I do not consider myself the same person that I was 16 months ago.

To make this a quasi-seamless transition, I'll start by looking back at the last entry I made in my blog. It was written on Thursday, July 29, 2010 and was titled "Be Still, and Know That I Am God." The topic was about how I try to take control of every little thing in my life ... that I don't allow God to have complete control ... that I don't trust Him with everything. So I have to ask myself ... have I gotten better at this?? As much as I would like to have a sunshiny and perfect little answer to this, I'm afraid I have to be truthful. And truthfully ... I don't think I have. But why?? Is it a need to feel important to others? Maybe a little. Is it a need to have an admittedly selfish little "pat on the back" every so often because of something I've accomplished? Perhaps. Or is it the fact that more often than I would care to admit, there's still that part of me that feels like a nervous, unsure 13-year-old desperately trying to fit in with his peers, but ends up kicking himself over something stupid or "uncool" that he blurted out. BINGO!! Wow, I'm a bigger "work in progress" than I ever imagined. Maybe I am the same person that I was 16 months ago. Haha!!

I'm so embarrassed and ashamed to say that I haven't given God control yet. I know better than this. I mean, c'mon, it's not like I'm a new Christian here. I often joke that on September 28, 19(cough cough), I was born on the front pew of Glad Tidings Church. Through all my "single-digit" years ... then my teenage years ... then into my 20s and 30s ... I've seen God perform things that I would call absolute miracles. Times around the altar late on a Sunday evening, or standing on a sawdust floor in an outdoor tabernacle at a youth camp ... those are the things that pop into my head when I think about my upbringing in church. I've seen Him do miracles for others. And that's just it ... it's always been for others. I've never let Him have control of my life so He can perhaps perform one for me. Not necessarily a miracle on the magnitude of feeding the 5,000, turning the water into wine, or making Taco Bell Combo Meal #4 cholesterol-free. I'm referring to something more like a "personal miracle".

We all have our addictions, demons, whatnot ... the things that affect us on a deep -- almost subconscious -- level. Personally, I don't understand the addiction to cigarettes (have never even tried one), alcohol (beer smells and tastes like a sewer), or gambling (I am "slot machine poison"). This isn't confession time for iRye (that will come in Blog #4 or #200), but trust me ... we've all got our secrets and I may have just one or two (or eight) more than the next person. Mystery can be a wee bit intriguing sometimes ... sometimes. Sometimes not.

In addition to me being a work in progress, it looks like this particular entry is also going to be a work in progress, because I'm happy to report that ... I am now sleepy. Looks like typing about myself did the trick. Hopefully, you haven't had the same effect while reading this. Haha!!

... to be continued ... ... soon.

Be Still, and Know That I Am God.

When your heart is in turmoil ...

"BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD."

When situations with friends are not what they should be ...

"BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD."

When your work seems to be overwhelming ...

"BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD."

You would think I'd know this by now. I've been born and raised in church. And yet, here I am, trying to take control of everything ... every little thing ... in my life. Situations have arisen recently that I have no control over. When this happens, the verse "BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD" always drifts into my mind -- never as a direct order, but more like a gentle whisper, and yet do I always listen? No. Why is that?? Why is it that I think I have the answer to everything, when in reality ... I have nothing.

To this day, I can honestly say that I still haven't trusted God with everything. I'm dealing with stuff at this point in my life that I never, ever thought I would be dealing with. There's things that have been a certain way for such a long time, that I'm not willing to let them change; not willing to let go. But if I did, I know it would be for my own good. That's a shame because I'm cheating myself out of a deeper walk with Him. And you know, it should be simple. He is my Father. He loves me. I am His child. He always ... always ... has my best interest at heart. He loves me. He will NEVER lead me down the wrong path. He loves me.

I know that I'm not the only one who has issues concerning this. So, I'm asking this question ... Why do we do this?? As children of God, why do we sometimes have problems trusting Him?? Psalms 46:10 - "BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD" is my favorite scripture in the Bible. It speaks to me the most. Why can't we just sit back, take a deep breath, and know that everything is in control ... not in our control, but in HIS control.

"BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD".

Ministry.

The foundation of ministry is character.

The nature of ministry is service.

The motive of ministry is love.

The measure of ministry is sacrifice.

The authority of ministry is submission.

The purpose of ministry is to glorify God.

The tools of ministry is the Word, and a little "knee-ology".

The privilege of ministry is to grow.

The power of ministry is the Holy Spirit.

The model of ministry is Jesus Christ.

The objectives of ministry are: "WIFE":

W-Worship

I-Instruction

F-Fellowship

E-Expression (or Extension or Evangelism)

Margie.

I moved furniture yesterday for my frail, 92-year-old neighbor, Margie. Upon leaving, I hugged her goodbye. She then took my face in her trembling hands and said, "I love ya, honey." That gets me misty-eyed every single time ... can't help it. I've always had a soft spot in my heart for the elderly.

Except for when the issue of Depends comes up. At that point, they're on their own.

Temptation.

When temptation comes, I run to the Father.

Snugglebunny.

I was talking with friends (yes, I have some) the other day about how we like our bedrooms to be (don't worry, this is G-rated). Some like no cover on the bed, some like just a sheet on the bed, some like it warm, some like it cold, some sleep in pajamas, some ... well, never mind ... blah blah.

When I mentioned that I like to sleep under a cover and with the ceiling fan on medium speed, one of my friends said, "Ooooooo I know ... you're a snugglebunny."

I never thought about it, but you know what?? Yes, I am ... I'm a snuggler. Ryan Jones ... Snugglebunny. It fits. It fits well.

One Funeral. One Date.

Today was the funeral for Carlos Nunez. Of course, it was a sad occasion, but it was punctuated with fond memories of him and his life. During the funeral, a baby was crying in the row behind me. I want to make some deep correlation about there being a brand new life directly behind me, while I'm observing the end of another in front of me, but I don't think I'm eloquent enough to make that sound good, so I'll just skip it.

However, during the funeral, someone did become ill and passed out two rows in front of me. My brother, Rick and his wife, Linda were seated in front of the gentleman, and when Rick turned around, he said the man was not breathing and was starting to turn blue. 911 was quickly called, but thank God, the man came to on his own. It was definitely nerve-wracking for a few minutes. A new life behind me ... A possible ending two rows in front of me ... A definite ending a few rows even further.

Afterwards, the lunch was held at the Moose Lodge in Caseyville. I, however, was not aware of that because I was told a couple of days prior by someone (but I'm not mentioning Aunt Ruth's name because that wouldn't be nice), that the lunch was being held at the Caseyville Senior Center on Bunkum Road. Upon arriving at the senior center, I realized (quickly) I was in the wrong place because I had walked into a rockin' bingo tournament going on instead. Well, as "rockin'" as it could get (remember, these are seniors).

I'm not complaining because I won $20 and became the boy toy of one "Myrna Appleby". Myrna is a sweet ole gal who has brandished me with the nickname of "Young Stud". I don't think Myrna even knows my name. I feel like a piece of meat ... maybe a "prime rib", but a piece of meat nonetheless. I'm very impressed with Myrna because she has no need for glasses and has all of her own teeth ... well, except for that one.

Myrna asked me to go out with her next Saturday (hey, at least I'm attractive to someone!!) I told her "I sure would", because honestly, she looks like the type that has a disdain for banks, and therefore probably stashes a fortune under her mattress. I'm sure she'll pay for dinner. And if not, I'll pay because I suspect she won't eat much. If you don't see me around by next Sunday, call the police because that means I had Myrna pegged all wrong ... (haha)

A boy toy ... hmmm, maybe I've found my new calling.

Florida.

My body will be in Florida. My mind will be here.

Chef Ryan at your service!

I think I'm starting a trend here ... At church the other night, Jim Seladis said my Orange Marmalade Meatballs were (direct quote here) "the best he's ever had!!" Wow!!

Then after eating a Blueberry Lemon Cheesecake I made, my Aunt Ruth said (direct quote again) "that was the best thing I ever ate!!" Seriously?? In all your 90 years, THIS is the best thing you've ever eaten?? Really ... this is it??? Not Carlos' burritos?? Not Shirley's chicken and dumplings?? My cheesecake is it?!?!? Wow, I'm honored!!

So, if there's a market for a meatball / cheesecake restaurant, I'm on it!!!

Daydream Believer.

I fell asleep last night with the radio on. Has anyone ever woke up to the song "Daydream Believer" by the Monkees?? I highly recommend it. It was quite enjoyable and a nice way to start the day ...

Infectious.

Today, a girl at work said I was infectious. "Oh Ryan, you're so infectious! ... (giggle giggle giggle)", she said. I just smiled in response, but I thought to myself two things:

1.) "Thanks ... I think."

2.) "Maybe I should get some cream for that."

How do YOU get blessed??

I just posted on my Facebook page that tonight I went to church. Now, for those people who know me, this is not a revelation, because I'm always in church. But tonight, I went to church and actually SAT AND LISTENED. No computer. No distractions. I sat. I listened ... and it was wonderful.

It seems like I'm always in the computer booth at church, which is something I love to do. I did this exact same job at my former church for years and years. I loved doing it then. I love doing it now. I love what I do ... understand?? I love the whole "behind-the-scenes" stuff ... to see the preparation of what goes on to produce wonderful music for the upcoming Sunday ... to hear the instrumentalists say tonight that none of them knew this one particular song, but they all stuck with it, and what seemed to be just a few minutes later, they pretty much had it. Amazing!! To me, all of this just enhances the praise and worship that is to come on Sunday. To know which song the musicians struggled with, then to see that the end result on Sunday is a church full of people worshipping the Lord is a wonderful thing to experience. It has brought me to tears more than once. Man, for a guy I sure do cry a lot ... whatever!!

I'm so jealous of anyone who can play instruments as well as these guys. (I knew I should have kept playing my alto sax!! Crud!!!) And although I'm not an instrumentalist, to feel like I'm part of a team is something that means a lot to me. Oh, and by the way, this is just an off-topic thing ... Last Sunday evening, I sang 4 lines of "How Great Thou Art" for our music minister, Christopher. He said that I had "pipes". That put a smile on my face for the rest of the night. OK, back on topic now ... I stayed behind tonight to watch the praise and worship practice. Did I have to do that?? No. But I've been involved in the behind-the scenes stuff at churches for what seems to be my whole life (since I was born on the front pew that is a distinct possibility), and all of this still fascinates me. I still love it.

After service tonight, I joked with my pastor's wife, Dottie, that I was jealous of her. When she asked me why, I told her because she has had so many years of getting to hear Pastor's wonderful sermons. She literally has had a front-row seat to it all. I think she appreciated me saying that.

But, all of this brings to my mind a question ... When you're a member of church leadership, or part of the staff, or someone in the sound booth, how do you get blessed??

For example, I have a friend, Brian, who recently became a member of our church staff, so the church is now his place of employment. And on Sundays, I see that he's responsible for specific tasks, so Sundays are, in essence, an extension of his work, and I know his mind is often on the things he gets asked to do. So ... how does he get blessed??

I see Pastor Edwards preach wonderful sermons, visit the sick in hospitals, constantly reaching out to his congregation. I hope he knows how deeply he affects people with the words he speaks. But, to be honest, it's rare that I see people actually pray for him. So ... how does he get blessed?

I came into church last Sunday earlier than normal, and could hear our music minister, Christopher McLellan, practicing at the piano in the prayer room for the upcoming Easter choir musical. Tonight, while people were praying at church, he was at the piano providing some of the music. On Wednesday evenings and Sunday mornings, I watch him practicing with the choir before service, and on Sunday mornings and evenings, he's leading the congregation into praise and worship (and doing it quite well, I might add!!! The man can sing and play, like, 237 instruments.) But that's what he's been hired to do. That is his job. He leads, but can he ever actually participate?? There's such a difference in that. In order to do that, I think he would have to fake laryngitis one of these Sundays (there's an idea, Chris!!) :-) But, as I watch him from the sound booth, I sometimes wonder ... how does he get blessed?

Back in the day, I helped get the praise and worship music together for my former church, and to be completely honest ... it was a JOB!!! I know the work that is involved in all of that. I get it. It's different when you love what you do, but nevertheless, it was still extremely time-consuming.

So, I'm asking these questions, but do I have an answer?? Well, I can only speak for myself, but I realize that, for me, the blessing is in the work. Whether they realize it or not, everyone who steps through the doors at my church plays a part in the church service. Whether that part is simply as a spectator who walks in, sits, listens, then leaves. Or as a member of the board. Or as a ridiculously good-looking computer operator (who is getting thinner by the day -- just had to throw that in there).

I believe that as the ones who play a larger role than as a spectator, we are the fortunate ones. We get to serve others. We get to assist in helping people achieve a blessing they may otherwise have not felt prior to walking in the doors. Some may experience an answer to prayer, or a healing, during a church service, and we get to play a part in that, and that is priceless. We are the fortunate ones. Sometimes, in the midst of the work, it's easy to forget that. If you sit back and think about it ... really think about it ... to be able to bless others with the gifts God has given us ... that's what it's all about. We really are the fortunate ones.

I'm told that blogging can be used as a way to express your feelings, so here goes. The vast majority of my postings on this blog have been for comic relief (that kind of mirrors my life to a certain extent), but this one's serious. Something happened tonight that made me realize that things are not going to turn out the way I hoped they would, in a couple of different areas, and it's just tearing me up. Maybe that's way I haven't been sleeping well lately ... I don't know.

This really isn't meant for anyone to understand, it's just somewhat therapeutic for me to finally see these words in black and white. Basically, I need to grow up. I'm always good for a joke or a sarcastic eye-roll, but as funny or as silly as I can be sometimes, I can also be extremely serious, even passionate about specific things ... many things actually. People have turning points in their lives, and I think I'm hitting another one. I'm not sure what I should do about a situation in my life, but it's a big one and I'm not sure how to handle it. I'm not sure why I feel the way I do about certain things and, more importantly, a certain one who's come into my life. This is unlike anything I've ever experienced, and I mean UNLIKE anything I've ever experienced. This is the whole "heart beating faster ... stammering ... losing weight ... just anything to get this person's attention." I thought of this statement the other day ... "I'd travel around the world just to sit by your side and stare at the wall. And it would be OK, as long as I'd be with you." Yep, that pretty much sums it up. (Yikes, I'm sounding more and more like a Hallmark card.) But although there's been a few comments here and there, and some moments of uncertainty, I'm pretty sure this person doesn't feel the same way. I've never done this before, and I'm not actually sure it's the right thing to do. In the end, I'm gonna wind up getting hurt here. It's OK. I'm willing to take that chance. This person is worth it all and even more than that. Dang, don't tell me I'm out of Kleenex ...

Sorry if this is sounding vague or even cryptic. I don't mean for it to. I'm also not going to explain myself, partly because I don't think I can. I guess for a guy I'm pretty in touch with my feelings. I tend to wear them on my sleeve. That may be a mistake because I have huge sleeves sometimes. I think I need to hide my feelings and watch what I say a little better. But that's not really me. I'm just ... I don't know.

I'm goin' to bed. Maybe I'll sleep six straight hours. I hope so. I also hope that maybe I'll wake up as a new person ... new brain, new personality, new everything ... Does that ever really happen, though??

My First Blog ...

I just found my first blog that I typed on Facebook around this time last year, so I thought I would put it on here. This message should have been the first thing I posted on this blog, but oh well ... here it is.

Ryan Jones. Blogger. Two words I never thought would go together. But here I am ... blogging. Wow.

Here's a little bit about me:
I'm oh, about 38, and an absolute St. Louis Cardinals baseball freak. Baseball offseason always puts me in a funk that usually lasts a while. I try to get into hockey, but usually I just end up getting into the latest reality show ("American Idol" is back on!! YESSSSS!!)

I work at A.G. Edwards, uh I mean, Wachovia, wait, that's not right ... ummm, let me think ... uh ... we were Citigroup for four days ... oh yeah, I know ... this month we're Wells Fargo (and hopefully we'll stay like that for a long time). This whole financial identity crisis our company has gone through has definitely been a test for everyone who works there. Due to layoffs, the team that I'm on has been cut from 11 people down to 4. Working with the dark cloud of layoffs hanging over your head for the past couple of years now has all been pretty nerve-wracking, but things seem to have settled down for a while ... at least for this month. We'll see.

But whatever happens, it'll all work out. I've always put my faith in God, and He hasn't let me down yet. Who knows, if I do get laid off someday, I just may fulfill my destiny and become what I've always believed I was called to be ... clubhouse attendant for the Cardinals ("Shine your shoes there, Mr. Pujols??" ... "Cold beverage, Mr. Pujols??")

I can't type my first blog without mentioning my best friend ... my mom, Diane Jones. Unfortunately, she passed away on March 21, 2002. Suffice to say, her death was THE turning point in my life for both some good things and, unfortunately, some not-so-good things. Her death forced me to look at my own life closer than I ever have, and made me face a lot of things that I didn't really want to face. We were there when she stepped out of this life and went on to her reward, and it was the most heart-wrenching, yet beautiful thing I've ever witnessed. I think of her every single day. I was lucky to have been her child.

If any of you have ever lost a parent to a disease -- particularly cancer -- I completely, completely understand the loss you feel. I don't believe that time heals all wounds, but, year after year, time does make things a bit more bearable.

But, life does go on, my dad got remarried and now spends half of the year living in Florida with a wonderful woman named Cathy. I can't say enough good things about her. She's a terrific person who has quickly become someone we love. We are so blessed to have her in our lives ... and she's a great cook, as well. That always seems to work magic on me!!! Put it this way ... I now eat brussel sprouts and I've learned that sloppy joes tastes best with a scoop of cole slaw on top. See what she's done to me?? :-)

I just glanced at the clock - it's 6:30 a.m. and time to leave for work!! Wow, time does go fast on here, huh??

Take care and I'll type at you soon,
Ryan

MOVING DAY!!!!

Today at work, the team I'm on is moving to another floor within Marketing. For the past, oh I don't know ... years, our team has been separated from the rest of the Marketing people, but no longer. We're all now one big, happy, dysfunctional family!! :-)

We're only moving up one floor, but I've taken this time to do a little spring cleaning at work, and I've determined that I have an illness ... an illness that has plagued me since the dawn of my time ... from the time I've been able to grab stuff with my pudgy little infant hand and put stuff somewhere ... it's an illness that I truly believe there is no known cure ... it's called ... packratitis!!!

I've been very hard on myself during this moving process, meaning if I haven't used it since 1992, it's outta here!!! :-) My self-imposed rule is "if I didn't know I even had it, I won't miss it when it's gone." Buuuuuut, some things I have kept simply for sentimental reasons. I am so sentimental it's disgusting. I can find a soft spot in my heart for just about everything. And that is what gets me in trouble sometimes. Gotta let it goooooo!!! I've limited myself to just one box of "sentimental crap" (and I have titled the box as such). Unfortunately, the box is the size of a twin-engine airplane, and that could possibly pose a problem upon moving into my new digs (how big is this new cubicle again???)

Currently, when you walk past my cube, there is no doubt who my favorite baseball team is. For the past five years, my cube has been inundated with a variety of beautifully precious (at least to me) "Cardinals stuff", to the point of being obnoxious. I'm afraid some of that stuff has got to go. For the sake of my new 6th floor neighbor, Clarke, I won't force him to look at all of that. In the immortal words of Ron Burgundy ... "stay classy, San Diego!!"

But on a good note, the Olympics start tonight!! I love this stuff!! I love the whole grandeur of the Opening Ceremony, the competitions, the medal ceremonies, blah blah blah!!! I gots to have me some snowboarding, bobsledding, speed skating with a triple toe loop and a death spiral thrown in for good measure. It all starts tonight and continues through the 26th, I think!! If none of you see me during the next two weeks, this is why. I've grown roots in front of the TV. It could get ugly!!!

Well, this whole blog thing has worked ... it's now 3:35 a.m. and I'm now tired ... SUCCESS!! I'm now off to b...zzzz-zzzzzz-zzzzzzzz-zzzzzzzz.................................